Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
