Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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