i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
i out mim tonsoeep
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
