ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
farters have to be the big spoon...
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
