I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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