My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He passed out mid-signature
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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