The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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