So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I love you. Go after that dick
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
