This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
