Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
