you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Someone shattered a urinal.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
