when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
