Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
