Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
