So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
