I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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