I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
