maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
