Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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