Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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