god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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