moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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