I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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