I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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