Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
