you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
