Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
