pedialite and red bull = repair kit
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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