I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
