Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
