I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Randomize
