Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
