To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
