I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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