are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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