I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Hippo gnu deer
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
