If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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