I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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