dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
