Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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