Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
