If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
