Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
