i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I need to stop coming to work sober
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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