Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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