Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
