At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
