Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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