Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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