I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize