today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
