i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
