I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
