someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i think my cat just said my name.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
