she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
