dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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