I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
