so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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